poem | heart first, head second: an ode to 2021

I thought I was in control

there is no control

control is an illusion

granted occasionally momentarily

feels like stability

"as long as this is stable,

I will be ok"

knees tremble knowing, not knowing

the earth below is about to

crumble

down

down

away from these feet, my feet

wanting to know where the next steps

will go

how will I know where to go?

what if I can't find my way?

what does everyone else know

that I don't know?

why can't I go forward?

why am I falling backward...

sideways... upside-down

my head hurts now

from thinking too much

planning too much

what's my back-up plan?

my back-up plan more formed than

my front-up plan

where do I go now?

heart first, head second

heart first, head second

no thoughts, let myself fall

fall

fall

let myself fall

for something new

something unfamiliar

something unplanned

(I planned to meet the one

and that plan didn't work out so great)

heart first, head second

heart first, head second

my heart still healing from the one I

thought would be my one and only

heart first, head second

feelings first, head second

what does my heart need

from me now?

love and compassion love and compassion

heart fell for someone new

and exciting

he speaks five languages

he calls me N’dianamö

excited not listening, excited not listening

heart first

red flags not listening

red flags not listening

my open heart wraps you up wraps me

up my open heart wraps you up

everything will be ok

no wait -- I just got played

No way! I just got played??

lucky it's a funny story

otherwise it would just be sad

heart first, head second

it's gonna be ok

my heart still open

my head still ok

heart first, head second

I love you I love you I love you

(I love me)

thank you for showing me

how much I love me

heart first, head second

it's gonna be ok

g&g's backyard

on unceded Səl̓ílwətaʔ/Selilwitulh Territory

dec 25, 2021